Being A woman

Funny business, a woman's career,
the things you drop on your way up the ladder,
so you can move faster.
You forget you need them again
when you get back to being a woman.
That's one career all women have in common
whether we like it or not: Being a woman.
Sooner or later, we've got to work at it,
no matter how many other carrers we've had or wanted.
and in the last analysis, nothings any good
unless you can look up just before dinner
or turn around in bed, and there he is.
without that you're not a woman.
You're something with a French provincial office,
or a book full of clippings.
But you're not a woman.

-BETTE DAVIS in All About Eve-

Being a woman is a complex business.

The news of Couples for Christ’s split – that was discussed on television and newspapers few weeks ago – was unexpected and shocking.

Yesterday, I received an equally unexpected and shocking e-mail from a respected female friend, who excel in her craft and has a very promising career. In part of her e-mail she said, “… in case you don’t know, hiwalay na ako. Pero masaya ako. God has better plans for me…”

I read the message again and again and again, trying to decipher the meaning of every word while holding back my tears. Her message saddened me. At the back of my mind was a big question, “WHY?”

Sayang.

I am not an expert in romantic relationships. I was not into it even a day in my life. Though I have lots of good and fabulous male friends and acquaintances, I tried to keep them at arms length.

I think I can do nothing with whatever the reasons of their separation are. But my feminist nature dictated me to support her decision and to applause her guts to get out of marriage because she’s no longer happy.

I hope I am not misunderstood here. I value good marriages. I believe that matrimony is sacred. And as much as possible women must do everything to protect and preserve the marriage.

However, if a woman has already done everything to save the relationship and, still, nothing has worked she could also take the great courage to decide to get out; so as not to destroy her soul and being; so as to preserve her dignity as a woman; so as to become whole again. Matrimony should not serve as women’s prison cell when everything is no longer working.

I encountered so many women – from work, from neighborhood, from countryside travels – who are no longer happy, yet choose to stay in their marriage. The common reason is, “para sa mga bata (for the children).”

We are already in generation Y. Children, now, are smarter than ever. They can easily understand family situations. What’s the use of living together in one roof when your hearts and minds are miles apart or when there’s no longer harmony, respect and love in the relationship. It is also unhealthy to raise children in that kind of home environment. It is, oftentimes, soul damaging for the children.

I remember, two years ago, when I was assigned to a provincial project in Batangas I met this 39-year-old woman who, then, has a week old baby. In our conversation, she revealed that she really wanted to have a child but never wanted a husband. That was quite absurd and unusual but her family supported her. She had already prepared for her child. She worked abroad for ten years and saved every single cent. When she returned her in the Philippines, she got a 19-year-old boyfriend and got pregnant, as she has planned. Then they were off.

For many, that was absurd, immoral and out of reasons. But I admired that woman for her courage to do what she wanted in her own life, no matter what the consequences are.

Bette Davis – in All About Eve – tried to imply that you’re truly a woman when you have a man. Maybe yes. I believe there are, still, lots of good and fabulous men here on earth. Or, maybe, you’ll just a woman with a destroyed soul with your man.

Being a woman in generation Y entails having the right and the guts to choose whether to stay or get out of marriage when she’s no longer happy. It may be unconventional, but in some cases it is the best for both parties and for the children.